Reason to Believe..

It's been over 2 months since I've posted on here and since then, life has drastically changed for me. This post is going to be really personal and has no Bruce in it, so you don't have to read it if you don't want to. I just thought it would be helpful for me to write about how terrible the month of May was for me and hopefully you can see where I'm coming from.

The first week of May, I was studying non-stop for my AP US History exam which was taking place the morning of Friday, May 5th. Come that morning, I woke up, got ready to leave and before I left I saw my mom sitting at the kitchen table. She wished me the best of luck on the test, told me to say, “I got this.” then we told each other “I love you” and she gave me a hug. Little did I know that the conversation I had with my mom that morning, would be the last.

I arrived at school and I was feeling nervous, yet confident that I’d do fine. Everyone got settled into their seats and began taking the test. The first and easiest section, multiple choice was over so it was time for the 4 short answer questions. As ideas flowed through my hand and onto my paper, I felt unstoppable. However, I started to write the answer to question 2, then Mr. Wartick - the head of Student Services, walked in the room and I overheard him ask the test proctor where I was sitting. I felt my heart drop down to my stomach as he told me that there was a family emergency at Lutheran General Hospital and I had to get there as soon as possible. On our way down to Guidance, I kept asking him what happened but he had no answers for me. All he knew was that a chaplain from the hospital said the situation was very serious.

While I was waiting for my counselor, Ms. Villalobos to drive me over, all I kept thinking about was the worst possible outcomes. I was praying that out of anyone in my family, the one in the hospital wouldn’t be my mom. We drove over there and I couldn’t stop shaking from anxiety. After Ms. V dropped me off, she wrote my phone number down to keep in contact with me. I saw my 26 year old brother, Luke outside and I could see that he was an emotional wreck. I asked him if something happened to mom and he said yes, but he didn’t explain until we got into a small conference room with the whole family. That walk to the room felt to go on forever and as soon as we got there, my dad and my aunts all hugged me assuming I knew what was going on.

As I sat down, Luke explained to me that at around 7:30 AM (about 10 minutes after I left for school) my mom went through a cardiac arrest but thankfully, dad was there and immediately called 911 while desperately trying to give mouth to mouth and perform CPR. The ambulance arrived within 6 minutes and revived her, but on the way to the hospital she had another episode and one more in the Emergency Room.

I remember the first question I asked my brother was if she is alive, he said yes but according to the doctors they weren’t sure if she would survive the night. I began sobbing just thinking of no longer having my best friend in my life. I got a hold of myself and found the strength to see her in the room with my dad and brother. She was already sedated and the doctors began the cooling process to preserve her organs. My dad was yelling at her to wake up, while my brother and I were being more gentle. A priest then came into the room and gave my mom a prayer for healing before she was sent to the ICU.

By this time it was around noon and my family wanted to go to the cafeteria to get something to eat. I was sick to my stomach, so eating didn’t sound appetizing to me. I sit down with all of my aunts and I get a message from my “school dad”, Mr. Zielinski saying, “Hey, you there? I’m worried about you. Here’s my cell number if you need to talk.” I asked if he knew about what was going on and all he knew was that I was taken out of the APUSH exam so both him and my APUSH teacher, Mr. Doak were worried. I called Mr. Z, explained what happened and kept updating him as I embarked on this long and difficult journey.

My mom was finally settled in the ICU, with no changes - still in an induced coma and under going the cooling process. The doctors said it wouldn’t be until Sunday until it would be possible to see any activity. My dad, brother, and mom’s best friend for 52 years, Shari and I all decided to stay the night because of the doctors telling Luke about her low chances of survival through the night. We stayed up all night and nothing happened. The same thing occurred on Saturday, but we began to feel nervous about Sunday because that’s when mom should give us some kind of sign to show us she’s still with us. Sunday came and still nothing. I felt heartbroken. As every minute passed by I would just stare at mom waiting for her to move or do anything that would be a step in the right direction.

May 8th, Monday morning arrived and after that long, traumatizing weekend I decided to take a walk to school just to talk with some of the teachers who knew about what was going on. During that week, I found school as sort of an escape from the horrors of reality. I went back to the hospital and that’s when they closed off my mom’s room to do an EEG to test for any brain activity. My family and I were still holding on to faith and the doctors said there will be a family meeting at noon on Tuesday, May 9th to tell us the results.

Tuesday morning, I walked over to school again to get out of the hospital and get prepared for the meeting. I never knew how therapeutic teachers can be when it comes to their students having hard times. Teachers and students at school became more like a family to me and that is something I will always be grateful for. That day however can definitely be considered as one of the worst days of my life. The doctors in the family meeting had informed us that the results from mom’s EEG showed that there was no brain activity other than her ability to breathe. I began sobbing and my cousins came to me asking if I wanted to leave the room, I said no because I wanted to hear what else the doctors had to say. They had no positive news and crushed our faith for mom to come back from her sedated state.

Now my dad, brother and I had to decide when we wanted to take the ventilator off. I never thought that I would be only a 17 year old when I had to help make a decision like this. I wish no other young adult has to go through losing a parent before they even graduate high school. We eventually decided that we would take her off life support on Friday, May 12th. That date would make it a week since she was taken to the hospital and it would give all of the family a chance to say goodbye. We all stayed in the room until that day came. We watched visitors come in and out with disbelief on their faces. We heard every nurse ask us if we need anything. We saw all of the doctors have sympathy on their face as they knew we’ll be losing a loved one on Friday.

Friday, May 12th - the day I’d lose my best friend, the most loving and hardworking woman I will ever know, my mom. I once again went to school during 1st and 2nd periods to talk with teachers who I knew had free periods. Mr. Z let me tap into his bluetooth speakers and play some of my mom’s favorite songs, (Maggie May is her all time favorite) while I told him some happy memories I had with her. By this time it would have already been a week since I was pulled out to be taken to the hospital and I was still in shock of everything that was happening. Even to this day, it’s hard to believe how quickly life can change for you and that’s a reason why I know to never take anything for granted.

When I got back to the hospital it was about 10 AM. Luke was in the room with mom, I sat next to him and he told me about when he graduated from high school, mom gave him 2 hugs. One for his dad who passed away when Luke was only 6 and one for herself. He then promised me that when I graduate next year, he’ll be sure to give me 2 hugs. Through my time in the hospital, it seemed I cry most when I thought of a future without my mom. It’s difficult to think about every life accomplishment of mine she won’t be there to witness; graduating high school, graduating college, starting my career and eventually getting married and starting a family.

That Friday night, we each got to spend some individual time with mom before they took mom off of life support. As I sat with her alone, I told her that this was crappy timing because Mother’s Day was that weekend. I sang all of Maggie May to her and told her how much she is loved and how much she will be missed. I couldn’t say all this without crying, but I don’t think many people would have if they were in my situation.

8 PM is when the doctors took mom off all the equipment. I was in the waiting room with Luke as the rest of our family was in the room with mom. Eventually, I went in to see how she was doing and I heard Rod Stewart playing from someone’s phone for her. We all know she would have loved listening to music as she left this Earth. Momma was a fighter and kept breathing on her own for almost 3 more hours. Then at 10:45 PM, God welcomed a beautiful angel to Heaven and my family welcomed a wonderful Guardian Angel.

Passing away at the age of 54, mom makes the saying “only the good die young” all too real. I spend most of the time after my mom’s death in denial of the whole situation. At home, I always expect her just to walk through the door after a long day at work. There is nothing that can replace a relationship between a mother and a child and I’m grateful that I had so many great memories with her that I will cherish forever. Everything from my first day at work with her to the many concerts we’ve been to these past few years. Through this experience, the life lesson I’ve learned is to always treasure and love the people around you and never hold grudges because life can change in a blink of an eye. I can’t imagine the state I’d be in if I never told my mom I loved her on the morning of May 5th. I would have certainly been living with that regret for the rest of my life.

This journey has also proven to me how many people care for and support me when I need it most. The teachers at Maine East have given me strength and hope for better days, especially when I went back to school the Monday after mom’s passing. I really wish every teacher who has impacted me knows how much I appreciate them. I know I wouldn’t make it to the end of the school year if it wasn’t for all of them being there for me.

Moving forward, there is no doubt that life will be tough because I no longer have my best friend here to talk about my school days or drama that’s happening at work. Everything from silly jokes to serious discussions, mom was always there to listen and give the best advice. But as I said before, I have an amazing support system here for me every step of the way to help me through any obstacle I happen to come across.

So, thank you momma for teaching me everything I need to know and making me the mature, hard worker you always wanted me to be. I love you with all the madness in my soul. I hope I make you proud.